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Harder than I thought…

I am sharing this because it has been on my heart for a while, maybe someone can relate. Part of why I have this platform is to share my truth and experience with you all!

After having Mason, I lost over 30 pounds, and while to some that’s something to celebrate, for me that was not the case. I was already petite, so I didn’t anticipate myself gaining a lot of weight throughout my pregnancy. My doctor would tell me all the time to eat more, so that I could keep gaining weight, but that never worked! I gained just about 13 pounds that pregnancy, but between juggling school, breastfeeding, and lack of sleep, I lost over 30 pounds just after having him.

I remember stepping on the scale at my 6 week postpartum visit and seeing a number I hadn’t seen in YEARS. I felt defeated, and honestly I felt very uncomfortable and embarrassed. None of my clothes fit me, I felt like I looked like skin and bones, I hated it.

While I was struggling to adjust to my new body, every other person would comment on how “good” I looked, how I didn’t LOOK like I just had a baby, how I’m “So blessed” to just “bounce back” after birth. Sure, these were probably all meant to be compliments, but inside I was hurting. I’d always brush it off, say “I’m blessed with good genes” and keep it pushin'…but it still hurt.

Fast forward to 14 months pp, I had just stopped breastfeeding, and I did not expect my body to, once again, change as much as it did. I remember going to Nordstrom and telling myself to pick out a nice bra to help me feel more confident and better about this new body I was in.

I tried on a few, and had to keep going down a size, I remember standing in the fitting room sobbing. My friend was there with me, and she just held me. No words could’ve taken away the pain I was feeling inside. I felt like I looked like a child. I hated it. I became so self conscious. Mostly, I thought what is my husband (then fiancé) going to think of me. There is no way he is going to still love me if I look like this.

Since then (2016), I have struggled off and on with loving this body I’m living in. I have carried and nourished three perfectly healthy babies, and my husband does nothing but continue to love and encourage me. That doesn’t mean the pain is gone, but it has helped me come to peace with my body.

For my entire life, my size and weight has been the main thing people commented on when speaking to me, and since I was a little girl, I have been self-conscious of it. To this day, it is an uphill battle, but I am healing and beginning to feel better!

I share this because I feel that it is important for us to recognize that while someone’s situation may be different than yours, that that doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. As women, our bodies are constantly changing, especially when we experience pregnancy. Every woman’s body will transform in different, beautiful ways, and it is no one’s place to comment on it (sometime's even if it's meant as a compliment).

My experience is quite the opposite of many women I know and see on social media, I don't have the #mombod like we see all over the internet, however, this is my truth, and is a difficult area for many women. We don't see this side if the spectrum often enough, being able to "bounce back" after having a baby is praised, but for some of us, it's not something we are extremely proud of! It has taken me 6 years to finally feel more comfortable in my body, and when I am fully ready, I will take the steps to make some changes! Right now, I have been focusing on my mental health, my marriage and my children. I am content and at peace with my life right now, and I know that soon I will have the time to do more!

My continuous prayer for myself and those of you struggling in this area is that God pour out his love and peace over you. That you begin to see yourself the way Christ sees you, and that if there are changes you desire to make, that you have the strength to do so, but you are doing it for YOU, and no one else. I pray that the confidence you have in yourself begin to grow, and that you grow to be madly in love with yourself. When you begin to love yourself, the rest will fall into place!


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